I honestly don’t know what to do with my life. The sole reason I created my Tumblr, has bid goodbye to hers. :((

Thank you for more than 3 years of wonderful art, music, and laughter. Come back, Charlie. It’s just not the same without you.

I hate moments like these when i’m left to think about the past and all the memories, the what were’s, what if’s and what could have been’s flood back into my head and it’s a suffocating feeling that presses unto my heart and fills me and i just can’t stop the tears from falling.

All of you who are sending me positive messages here, I’m seriously and genuinely thankful. I fully expected hate when I opened my inbox this morning. But it was overwhelmingly full of looooooooove. Yaaaaaaaaaay. You flooded the hate out with really nice things hihi, thank youuuu. <3

aaaaand to the anons, REVEAL YOURSELVES. hahahahaha.

I dont even remember how my life went before tumblr, before being a fangirl

#lolwhatlife

One thing I should be embarrassed about is the fact that I am a giant fangirl, but I’m not really embarrassed about it. I mean, I seriously should come with a warning, but really I shouldn’t because that would probably scare people away. Sometimes it’s just not obvious but if you see my tumblr dash and the amount of appreciation blogs I follow, you’d probably flip. I’m rambling. It’s late. My laptop just told me it’s 12:00. I like to type. Especially when there are no spiders trolling on my keyboard. (There was a spider on my keyboard that I literally did not notice I was murdering until I looked at the P key which I did only when i noticed a crunchy feeling when I pressed on it. That was a long sentence, I do hope that made sense.) I try not to be as obsessive, I really do. But I’m just naturally embarrassing so I guess I have nothing to lose? Cheers to being weird!!!

Bullying is NOT okay. I’ve gone on to say this a lot of times already and I will continue to do so for as long as the time comes when it can be ensured that another young life is not lost because of bullying. It shouldn’t be a question anymore that it must greatly be emphasized especially with the growing freedom given to people, especially the young ones, over the internet. It’s a shame that it’s grown to be unavoidable. It shouldn’t have to be. It isn’t right. And before you go on to say that people just can’t handle “freedom of speech”, try to swallow your pride and imagine being in their position. Would YOU be able to handle it? Given ALL circumstances?

Many are judged by mistakes they no doubt felt sorry for. It’s disgusting to think how some people don’t even think twice to give these people the time of day to consider that they’re already being eaten up by the guilt of their actions even without them adding to all of it.

And aside from people like those, there are those who are judged by their decisions and actions -even their sexual orientations- that aren’t necessarily mistakes. These people are made to think that they have something to be guilty for when all they’ve ever done is to try to be true to themselves. And I think that’s the worst kind of judgment. And an even worse reason to lose a life for.

What makes it all the more painful is that a lot of them are young ones -teenagers that were in the process of searching for and discovering themselves, teenagers that held promising futures that will never be fulfilled because they surrendered. I may not have known these people personally but I do believe that they fought. It’s definitely a shame to keep hearing news that another young life has been lost because of the effects of bullying. People should be aware of how serious this is.

My heart goes out to all of the people who have fought through, are fighting through and have lost the battle against bullying. No one deserves to feel that much self-hate to even consider taking his/her own life away. It’s unfair to say that anyone deserves such harsh treatment, such painful experiences. Self-harm is not a joke. If you ever considered it a “mere cry for attention”, did you ever stop to think that it might actually deserve the attention? No one has the right to tell anyone that they aren’t enough or worthy to live in the world. Saying that they were just “too weak” to handle the pressure is already judging them for the great strength they must have had to muster up each and everyday to fight, great strength you were just not aware of. How do you expect them to hang on if you keep stomping on each of their fingers til they eventually let go? Each judgment made is a shove to the edge of the cliff. People should know that it’s NOT the path anyone should be forced to take. 

Keep fighting, I swear, it’ll all be worth it in the end. People are willing to help, just keep asking for it. For as long as people haven’t given up on you, do not give up on yourself. Keep fighting.

I stand up against bullying.

Nostalgia. According to Google it’s “A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.” (LOL, no I’m not that type. I don’t usually start with definitions, but I felt like it was necessary.)

See, I’m a bit iffy about this feeling. It’s like, you don’t really know where to place it? I don’t know, like it isn’t a happy feeling, neither is it a sad feeling? I don’t know. It’s one of those “neutrals” that just can’t decide on what it’s supposed to be. (Yes, because it’s its fault it’s so complicated, shut up.)

Let’s just say, nostalgia and I have gotten to be very well-acquainted, lately. And I don’t understand because it just decides to pop up at strange and random times of the day. And it isn’t just like general nostalgia -thinking about the past, all the good and bad memories and all that shit. No. It’s me missing riding a plane. That. Specifically. I’m not even joking. And it’s so weird because I’d be looking at the randomest shit and it’d just hit me, just like that. And suddenly, the next thing I know I’m imagining waking up to the sight of clouds and an outline of a massive oddly-shaped piece of land surrounded by water down below; or of tiny coloured lights dancing around in the dark indistinguishable from that altitude. Sometimes I’d be picturing looking out into the distance and remembering that feeling of calmness and stillness from the sunset or the sunrise against the slightly bent horizon. It’s such an overwhelming feeling. It’s like, how could a view from a tiny window take your breath away and at the same time fill your heart with so much warmth and content that you just can’t describe? That feeling. It’s so specific. It’s so eerily familiar. It’s scary kind of. And I can’t really grasp why. I just assume it’s my subconscious want to escape surfacing (subsequently making me temporarily delusional, really. I mean, who imagines flying when they’re looking at a bottle of Elmer’s glue?! Yeah. Me.) but it seems plausible.

I’ll just take a wild guess and say that it could probably be because certain significant memories I have might have followed or preceded a plane ride. But I really can’t remember any of those memories. Maybe one or two, but that should prove inconclusive. Right? ..Maybe? I don’t know, stop nagging me! Seriously though. Maybe it’s, I guess, being in that state of in-between that stuck to me. You know, leaving things behind and waiting for what’s to come. You’re stuck in the middle at that point, you’re basically suspended in air at that moment of limbo. I mean literally, you’re on a plane. (cue laughter) And again, it’s one of those neutrals. You don’t know where you stand with it. So I guess you could just choose to enjoy the view. No point fussing over what’s unsure, right? At that moment, basking in it is the only sensible thing to do because it’s right there; No way out unless you jump off, and sleeping through it would have been a bitch slap to the face of its beauty. It’s the in-between that keeps you were you are.

Everything I’ve come to know is basically an in-between, come to think of it. I’m an in between. Had a beginning, will have an end; currently on the journey to, from. And it doesn’t matter really where you go from here, or where you came from, so long as you make the ride in between worth it. The nostalgic feeling comes back to you, it really does. At randoms times, too. And I’d bet my ass you’d rather have the kind that makes you smile than the kind that haunts you. In my opinion, those are the ones that are filled with regret. 

I figured imagining plane rides isn’t so bad. After all of this processing, they seem to be okay. Even if they are as random as hell.

Nostalgia. According to me it’s a sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with personal associations, which can either be 1) a longing to go back to it to experience it the same way a second time around or 2) a longing to experience it again with a changed state, but the same heart.

I go for 2).