It's Lizzie.
Let’s face it. I know it selfish to be whining about one stupid bad day while all around the world, far worse things are happening. But is it too much to ask to catch a break? People go on and talk about how happiness is a choice. Yes, fine I firmly believe in that. But it takes so much damn effort, don’t you think? It’s exhausting.
Feelings are hard to suppress, I’m sure you’re all well-aware of that. And no one is exempted from having emotions. Some of us might have less while some just have damn too much, regrettably. And this is where we differ. All that crap people keep saying about “handling things differently”? Yeah, it’s true. And the fact of the matter is, “differently”? Yeah, it involves extremes. Scary extremes. People do things they regret when they’re just so annoyingly congested with these emotions they can’t express as easily as they intend to. Some people on the other hand, do things they ought to feel ashamed of but don’t. It’s scary, the things people are capable of. But at the same time there’s just this feeling of not really having a choice.
It’s more than just “controlling your temper”. Hell, it’s so much more than that. We’re all screwed up. Some of us, just a little more than the rest. And it doesn’t help that we have our own “coping mechanisms” that in some cases, even the people that matter most, don’t -can’t understand. I appreciate the effort, really, I do. But it just freaking adds to the frustration, you know? Especially when they say how “other people have had it far worse than you”. It’s like, yes, no, I am aware that I am a self-obsessed bitch.
And fine, it would hint as a sign of weakness -of surrender on my part. But guess what? You can’t compare a mountain lion to a bamboo tree! They’re entirely different things. Like wtf, really? I mean, who are you to impose that I’m not working my ass off everyday to make it through?? And adding to that, you go on and say you haven’t given up but what the hell? “Yeah sure, okay…”???????? That isn’t at all reassuring cos it sure as hell sounds like you have. What sucks is that blaming anyone for not being able to understand isn’t even an option because it just isn’t fair. But let’s just make it clear that I am in fact fighting. Those quiet moments are me battling the war my emotions decide to wage upon me at weirdly random times of the day.
I know I’m strong. And that’s probably what I needed to hear. But during times like these, I just can’t even deny to myself that I am in fact breaking. And I guess it’s unfair to keep expecting people to pick up the pieces I’m too shattered to take care of myself. And call me a whiny bitch but is it too much also during times like these, to just want someone to hold me and let me stop fighting for once? Because I really am tired.
